The Countdown Continues...

47 days from this post is my adventure. 47 days until I am gone. Now comes the dreariness of waiting. The biggest problem with waiting is that I think about things. A lot. Most days I am actually in control of my thoughts, able to take the negative ones, the sad ones, and push them away. I use this trip as a way to focus myself, thinking instead of what I can share with these children to inspire them and make them feel worthwhile.

A those times when I start to feel melancholy because my plans are for naught and I feel most rejected, I return to the Koseli blog and watch Renu Bagaria speak about the children and the school. It renews me when I feel so horrible. People are out there who are good and want to change other people's lives. There are others whose suffering is so much worse than my own. I have so much to give- my love of English, of science, of crafts; my enthusiasm and acceptance; and of course, just my love. It sounds so cliche, but truly, I have such immense love and compassion to share.

I have always respected the Dalai Lama, and find much comfort in his words. He is quoted often on loss, on compassion, on happiness and peacefulness. I am hoping that my experience at the monastery will allow me to understand further where his philosophies come from. Unfortunately, he is not speaking nearby while I am in Nepal. Can you imagine if one of HHDL's speaking engagements was near enough for me to attend? I would be so thrilled. But that is not to be.

It is worth remembering that the time of greatest gain in terms of wisdom and inner strength is often that of greatest difficulty- His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I hope that is true. I mean, deep inside, I know it is true. The darkest hours are when you see how bright you can truly shine. It is the fire that burns away impurities, leaving you tempered and strong. Yet knowing that doesn't always help when you find yourself in what seems like a never ending labyrinth of hopelessness. So I hold on to the hope that this, all of this, the pain, the rejection, the uncertainty and the anger all just serves to help me grow.

Damn I wish I didn't have such a tough growth plan, though. I wouldn't have minded changing a little, if it meant keeping some things (and some people) in my life. We cannot make others do as we please, we must allow them to live as they want. We are only in control of our own reactions.

And my reaction to this is to make a difference. To hope for the future, and change my life now.

Namaste,

Laura

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