Something the meditation 'guru' spoke about was motivation; and he made a point about not being concerned with petty things. He asked, "what if my motivation was for chocolate. What if everything I did was just to get chocolate. Can only a human do that? Can only I do that?" And of course, the answer is no. Anyone can try to attain chocolate, be it ants or animals or people. Yes, chocolate may make us happy, but is it true happiness? Or is it just a pleasureable feeling, a fleeting moment? He made the point that true happiness comes from being helpful and compassionate to those in our world; once again, if not a concern for each living thing, then perhaps just focus on being good to the 7 billion people we share the earth with. It made me think about my own motivations, and what silly things I have been striving for. Things that didn't bring me true happiness.
And the biggest thing in the past ten years of my life that I have been concerned with getting, thinking it would make me happy, is marijuana. Shocked? I didn't think so. Most of you who know me know that I have been rather, well, chronic for a long time. Maybe you didn't know the extent, or the length of time. It has been a decade since I started smoking pot.
It started out actually rather innocently. It was also ten years ago that I started to get sick. It was strange, first I would have attacks of digestive pain, then I started to have severe, unexplained muscle pain. Shortly thereafter the intense fatigue and malaise began. My doctor couldn't explain it. I had lots of tests, saw many different specialists, but no answers were forthcoming. Then, I was at a party and smoked some pot and WOW- the problems didn't disappear but it did ease the pain and discomfort. It even kept me energized! So I talked about it with my doctor, who had finally given me a diagnosis of fibromyalgia; a phantom disorder, no one really knows the cause, and often a catch all for pain and fatigue that cannot be explained by other disorders. It was good to have something to explain to people, but didn't change the fact that the only thing that seemed to make a difference was the marijuana. So I began to smoke regularly.
Only I didn't stop there. It was fun, as well as helpful. So I smoked more and more, and since it is technically illegal, spent a lot of money on it. After a while, it began to be my focus. Getting my hands on it, making sure I never ran out, finding time to smoke it. My motivation for working, for doing anything was to get more pot. And although I thought it made me happy, it didn't.
Through relationships with people who did smoke pot and people who didn't, I stayed the same. I worked hard and even my first couple years of school were a success; but I wonder now what I could have done with the clouded mind. My life was a haze of being high, something I did daily. I was sure I couldn't function without it.
And then, the unthinkable happened- I lost the person I cared most about. Instead of caring enough for myself to want to be an independant, healthy, successful woman, I was obsessed with being cared for, obsessed with the idea of being sick and having someone support and love me. And it crumbled. Imagine the stress that puts on a relationship; imagine the stress I unknowingly was putting on myself! And so I smoked even more, to dull the pain and fear and loneliness.
And then I woke up. I decided I wanted to care for me enough to be straight and clean and successful. To be the woman I was planning on being before I got sick. To not need others, but to appreciate them and care for them when they were with me. And I watched a video online about a school in Nepal- of course, you know where that led. 53 days of new experiences, of learning about myself and being strong.
It led to over 53 days of being clean. Of not smoking. Which to me, is a major triumph.
Whew, what a story, huh? Well, imagine if all of this came flooding in as you sit with 9 other people, on low cushions, as a slight Indian man talks about motivation. Imagine having to fight back tears as your entire being says "That is YOU Laura, you spent your time chasing 'chocolate', instead of working to improve yourself so that you could improve the lives of the 7 billion people you share this world with. You had so many gifts and you wasted them, ARE wasting them." So I followed his tips on meditation, and when we were done I hurried to my room. I furiously started writing down my thoughts, wanting to hold tightly to this feeling in order to not have to feel it again. That feeling that I wasted so much time, so much energy, so much of my resources chasing after a silly desire stung.
I don't want to feel like I am wasting my chances again.
Now that isn't to say that I will never smoke again; it isn't to say I won't have drinks with friends, or work to save for clothes I want or things I want. What I am saying is that my true motivation will be to improve my life so that I am in a position to improve the lives of those I love, and those they love, and so on as the circle grows. I want to be a person who is happy to find a partner in life, but who doesn't smother them in neediness. Who shares joy with the people she meets, instead of leeching their happiness from them.
It is something that is hard to do, but is worth it. Find out what your 'chocolate' is. Not everyone may have that silly motivation, but if you do, decide if it truly is making you happy, or if it is just the momentary delight that quickly fades and leaves you almost emptier than before. Decide what will truly make you happy and go for that.
Namaste, friends.
And the biggest thing in the past ten years of my life that I have been concerned with getting, thinking it would make me happy, is marijuana. Shocked? I didn't think so. Most of you who know me know that I have been rather, well, chronic for a long time. Maybe you didn't know the extent, or the length of time. It has been a decade since I started smoking pot.
It started out actually rather innocently. It was also ten years ago that I started to get sick. It was strange, first I would have attacks of digestive pain, then I started to have severe, unexplained muscle pain. Shortly thereafter the intense fatigue and malaise began. My doctor couldn't explain it. I had lots of tests, saw many different specialists, but no answers were forthcoming. Then, I was at a party and smoked some pot and WOW- the problems didn't disappear but it did ease the pain and discomfort. It even kept me energized! So I talked about it with my doctor, who had finally given me a diagnosis of fibromyalgia; a phantom disorder, no one really knows the cause, and often a catch all for pain and fatigue that cannot be explained by other disorders. It was good to have something to explain to people, but didn't change the fact that the only thing that seemed to make a difference was the marijuana. So I began to smoke regularly.
Only I didn't stop there. It was fun, as well as helpful. So I smoked more and more, and since it is technically illegal, spent a lot of money on it. After a while, it began to be my focus. Getting my hands on it, making sure I never ran out, finding time to smoke it. My motivation for working, for doing anything was to get more pot. And although I thought it made me happy, it didn't.
Through relationships with people who did smoke pot and people who didn't, I stayed the same. I worked hard and even my first couple years of school were a success; but I wonder now what I could have done with the clouded mind. My life was a haze of being high, something I did daily. I was sure I couldn't function without it.
And then, the unthinkable happened- I lost the person I cared most about. Instead of caring enough for myself to want to be an independant, healthy, successful woman, I was obsessed with being cared for, obsessed with the idea of being sick and having someone support and love me. And it crumbled. Imagine the stress that puts on a relationship; imagine the stress I unknowingly was putting on myself! And so I smoked even more, to dull the pain and fear and loneliness.
And then I woke up. I decided I wanted to care for me enough to be straight and clean and successful. To be the woman I was planning on being before I got sick. To not need others, but to appreciate them and care for them when they were with me. And I watched a video online about a school in Nepal- of course, you know where that led. 53 days of new experiences, of learning about myself and being strong.
It led to over 53 days of being clean. Of not smoking. Which to me, is a major triumph.
Whew, what a story, huh? Well, imagine if all of this came flooding in as you sit with 9 other people, on low cushions, as a slight Indian man talks about motivation. Imagine having to fight back tears as your entire being says "That is YOU Laura, you spent your time chasing 'chocolate', instead of working to improve yourself so that you could improve the lives of the 7 billion people you share this world with. You had so many gifts and you wasted them, ARE wasting them." So I followed his tips on meditation, and when we were done I hurried to my room. I furiously started writing down my thoughts, wanting to hold tightly to this feeling in order to not have to feel it again. That feeling that I wasted so much time, so much energy, so much of my resources chasing after a silly desire stung.
I don't want to feel like I am wasting my chances again.
Now that isn't to say that I will never smoke again; it isn't to say I won't have drinks with friends, or work to save for clothes I want or things I want. What I am saying is that my true motivation will be to improve my life so that I am in a position to improve the lives of those I love, and those they love, and so on as the circle grows. I want to be a person who is happy to find a partner in life, but who doesn't smother them in neediness. Who shares joy with the people she meets, instead of leeching their happiness from them.
It is something that is hard to do, but is worth it. Find out what your 'chocolate' is. Not everyone may have that silly motivation, but if you do, decide if it truly is making you happy, or if it is just the momentary delight that quickly fades and leaves you almost emptier than before. Decide what will truly make you happy and go for that.
Namaste, friends.
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