13 days. 13 left until I catch my flight home. In that time, I'm signed up for a cooking class, and I hope to do a week of yoga during my last 7 days. This week, I was supposed to be volunteering at the Koseli School, but Saturday night I started vomiting, and although I have that under control (yay for extra meds from the last time I was sick) I now am having chronic headaches whenever I go out for more than an hour and a half.
Being sick again, especially such a strange illness, where I constantly feel a migraine approaching but it never actually gets to full migraine mode (I am not sensitive to sound but I am sensitive to light, I don't feel like I'm constantly going to throw up but do feel like I'm dizzy a lot of the time) has made me a little melancholy.
Not full on depression, but a sort of defeated attitude. I know that many times I get migraines during certain points of my menstrual cycle (TMI? Sorry...), but since coming to Nepal even my cycle has been completely screwed up. So has my confidence. Yes, I always feel down when I get sick, but before this trip I sort of thought maybe I was making myself sick. Maybe I was imagining things until I was actually showing physical symptoms. Now I'm a little worried that yes, I will always have to deal with being ill, with the unexpected flare ups of unknown origin. And it makes me sad.
So I spend a lot of time listening to shows on the TV, forcing myself out for short walks, and reviewing lessons in case I get to actually visit Koseli. I haven't given up, I'm just being realistic. I am not happy that I am missing the main inspiration for my trip, but it has also let me realize that we can't control everything, that the lessons we learn in life aren't always in the places we think they will be, and that my reasons for coming to Nepal weren't neccesarily to help others.
I came here to help myself. And I have, in a lot of ways. I've had to face my own fears of looking like an idiot to people, own up to the fact that I worry a lot about what people think of me. The locals, who I at first were so scared of asking for help from, and what you all at home think of me. I have also realized I am a little dependant on my connections at home. People who I was trying to grow and learn to be without, I feel more reliant on for friendship and support than ever. My family, who I wanted to show that I was actually maturing and growing and wouldn't need their support, I have had to ask for financial help. Friends who I wanted to prove I could do without, not because I didn't like him/her/them but because I needed to learn to be less attached (thank you Dalai Lama for that bit of wisdom, attachment breeds fear and sorrow), I have realized I love and cherish more than ever before.
I AM learning things here, about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses. I am also feeling lost, alone, and ready to come home. Is that shameful? So many people would give their right arm for this experience, and I am now ready to give it up and rush home, to the safety and comfort of my family and friends. I'm tired of not speaking the language (I have tried, reading the language primer I received from Alliance Nepal when I arrived, reading the Nepalese/English phrasebook, trying to have the boys at the monastery teach me words), tired of getting lost every time I try to walk to a new temple or garden or restaurant, tired of being alone.
I love to travel, I have realized that, but I think I love to travel with a companion. I am not a loner, as much as I like my alone time (after high school, my bestie Tish used to tease me about being a hermit), I am social creature and love to be surrounded by friends. I actually miss going to work at the craft store, talking with my co workers and helping customers. I miss my mom. I miss my cat, who seems to have adjusted back into his old home, and doesn't seem to even miss me. I mean, he is a cat, not a person, but I love him and he used to follow me around the house. Now I am unsure I want to remove him from his new/old domain. He is king there.
I don't even know why I am complaining so much. I am lucky to be here, so many people have helped me. I should be forcing myself to power through the illness, to ignore the pain in my head and the dizziness and just get on with helping. People here are strong, I don't think I am strong enough.
This really is starting to sound rather self-pitying. I don't want it to come across like that. Today is the 8th of July, and I will rest and take care of myself and tomorrow, tomorrow I will have the strength to do whatever needs done. To be strong and follow through on my commitments. At least, to stop feeling so sad about being sick and alone.
I promise the next update will be more cheery, I just needed to get this off my chest, I think. I will have good news, or at least update you about what I've done between Patan and getting sick.
Thank you, everyone, for being so supportive. I hope to not disappoint you. I promise to try hard to make you proud during this last leg of my adventure.
Namaste
Being sick again, especially such a strange illness, where I constantly feel a migraine approaching but it never actually gets to full migraine mode (I am not sensitive to sound but I am sensitive to light, I don't feel like I'm constantly going to throw up but do feel like I'm dizzy a lot of the time) has made me a little melancholy.
Not full on depression, but a sort of defeated attitude. I know that many times I get migraines during certain points of my menstrual cycle (TMI? Sorry...), but since coming to Nepal even my cycle has been completely screwed up. So has my confidence. Yes, I always feel down when I get sick, but before this trip I sort of thought maybe I was making myself sick. Maybe I was imagining things until I was actually showing physical symptoms. Now I'm a little worried that yes, I will always have to deal with being ill, with the unexpected flare ups of unknown origin. And it makes me sad.
So I spend a lot of time listening to shows on the TV, forcing myself out for short walks, and reviewing lessons in case I get to actually visit Koseli. I haven't given up, I'm just being realistic. I am not happy that I am missing the main inspiration for my trip, but it has also let me realize that we can't control everything, that the lessons we learn in life aren't always in the places we think they will be, and that my reasons for coming to Nepal weren't neccesarily to help others.
I came here to help myself. And I have, in a lot of ways. I've had to face my own fears of looking like an idiot to people, own up to the fact that I worry a lot about what people think of me. The locals, who I at first were so scared of asking for help from, and what you all at home think of me. I have also realized I am a little dependant on my connections at home. People who I was trying to grow and learn to be without, I feel more reliant on for friendship and support than ever. My family, who I wanted to show that I was actually maturing and growing and wouldn't need their support, I have had to ask for financial help. Friends who I wanted to prove I could do without, not because I didn't like him/her/them but because I needed to learn to be less attached (thank you Dalai Lama for that bit of wisdom, attachment breeds fear and sorrow), I have realized I love and cherish more than ever before.
I AM learning things here, about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses. I am also feeling lost, alone, and ready to come home. Is that shameful? So many people would give their right arm for this experience, and I am now ready to give it up and rush home, to the safety and comfort of my family and friends. I'm tired of not speaking the language (I have tried, reading the language primer I received from Alliance Nepal when I arrived, reading the Nepalese/English phrasebook, trying to have the boys at the monastery teach me words), tired of getting lost every time I try to walk to a new temple or garden or restaurant, tired of being alone.
I love to travel, I have realized that, but I think I love to travel with a companion. I am not a loner, as much as I like my alone time (after high school, my bestie Tish used to tease me about being a hermit), I am social creature and love to be surrounded by friends. I actually miss going to work at the craft store, talking with my co workers and helping customers. I miss my mom. I miss my cat, who seems to have adjusted back into his old home, and doesn't seem to even miss me. I mean, he is a cat, not a person, but I love him and he used to follow me around the house. Now I am unsure I want to remove him from his new/old domain. He is king there.
I don't even know why I am complaining so much. I am lucky to be here, so many people have helped me. I should be forcing myself to power through the illness, to ignore the pain in my head and the dizziness and just get on with helping. People here are strong, I don't think I am strong enough.
This really is starting to sound rather self-pitying. I don't want it to come across like that. Today is the 8th of July, and I will rest and take care of myself and tomorrow, tomorrow I will have the strength to do whatever needs done. To be strong and follow through on my commitments. At least, to stop feeling so sad about being sick and alone.
I promise the next update will be more cheery, I just needed to get this off my chest, I think. I will have good news, or at least update you about what I've done between Patan and getting sick.
Thank you, everyone, for being so supportive. I hope to not disappoint you. I promise to try hard to make you proud during this last leg of my adventure.
Namaste
Dearest Laura,
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing you could do that would disappoint. The fact that you took it upon yourself to make such a change in your life, as well as in others, is such a beautiful thing. Despite what you are feeling, please remember: I am a very independent person, yet I don't think I could ever pull off doing what you are doing now.
You are an inspiration to me (as well as to many others).
Keep your head up, continue to show that beautiful smile, and be happy and proud of your accomplishments.
luv you xx
Nattie
Thanks.
DeleteI love you hun, miss you tonnes.